As im drawing near to the end of this month, i cant help but wonder about one thing this whole day;

what if i was still pregnant? Would i be as happy as i am now? or would i be the complete opposite?

Yes, for those now just joining the ride of my life ; i was pregnant. Youre probably wondering why the hell im even bringing this up. I guess you could say that if i was still pregnant, i would have had the baby this or next month.. and to be honest, i didnt bring this up, my ex did.

we both know we made stupid choices, by blocking out reality from our fantasy that we would get a happy ending to some kind of fairy tale. But no.

Life is not a fairy tale . Life is not like a movie. Life is a reality that we cannot afford to ignore, because if we do... there will be a time that itll be too late to even change anything.

i dont know what im talking about. this i nonsense rambling. please, excuse me and this post .

tell me, how am i suppose to feel?

these are one of the few nights where i wake up not being able to knock back to sleep. Usually in these situations, i would just stare at me ceiling aimlessly thinking about the most random things ever or just whatever crosses my mind. I tried that, but no thoughts boring enough came across my mind to help me sleep. I also thought about smoking a cigarette to help me sleep also, but it's too damn cold outside to even consider that option right now. So here i am 2 o'clock in the morning listening to Mae & Copeland hoping that they would help me sleep sometime soon; but honestly, i don't think that's going to happen anytime soon & that cigarette is starting to sound good right now since i know that will knock me out in a jiffy if i let it.

I've been meaning to blog for awhile but these days i just haven't brought myself to do it. It's either because :

a. I'm too tired from work to do anything.
b. I forget what i want to Blog about.
c. I'm just flat out too lazy to even type blogger.com on my address bar & click on new post on my dashboard.

good enough reasons wouldn't you think?

I find it funny how I would be at working thinking up topics to blog about along with the constant intention that i would go home and blog it that same day but end up knocking out or get caught up with facebook. I'm sorry, im truely truely sorry about that. I keep promising myself that this year will be the year where i'll Blog about everything worth mentioning and there has been a lot of things worth mentioning.

Like Sunday for example. Sunday was my hangout (i consider it as a date) day with Josh. I'm sure the people i know are thinking 'josh?!who the hell is josh?' or 'another guy ? nothing new' or 'just wtf'. Well to update the people who actually do read my blogs and want to catch up with me, Josh is this guy (well obviously right?) that I'm interested in. I'm sure everyone here is thinking.. 'but you're always interested in someone' . WRONG !! I'm not always interested in someone. I'm SOMEWHAT interested in other people. I like to keep my options open instead of focusing on one and have a huge fall or being hurt in the end. I don't let myself go all to just one person basically (for a second, that makes me sound like a slut but its really not like that at all). arggh, what im actually trying to say is that, i let the guys come to me, I give them a chance to see how they are and i usually go with first impressions. I've been with so many guys that im just used to just going off with first impressions ( i know i shouldnt but i just do, so sue me) so it kinda grew on me.

And honestly, i miss holding hands with someone. Hugging someone getting that warm feeling at your chest. Butterflies. contagious smiling & laughing. Tickle fights. making out. random eye contact. the nervousness of what the other one is thinking. Just everything.

But now the real problem is...

do i like this guy because of who he is? or just because i miss everything as i just mentioned above? Don't get me wrong. I like this guy !  but sometimes i feel as if maybe im just doing things because i miss the feeling of it. I never felt so unsure about going for something. Maybe I should sit this one out . 

I'm too nice.

Today, I was walking down the hallway at work to go to the bathroom while this little timid old lady walks up to me and asks me where the gate for Texas was (if you didnt know, i work at the airport). I told her that i didn't know and if she had her boarding pass i could help her out. Usually when a little old lady stops you and asks for help, they're usually nice right? WRONG.

This little old lady was sooo mean to me. She yelled at me saying that she didn't know where her boarding pass was and that it was with her husband. While we were walking, i asked her how he husband looked like so the search for this gate could be easier for both of us (since i really had to go). She looks at me as if i was dumbfounded and said that she did not know how her husband looked like in a mean voice (you would think that i'd leave about now). At this point I wanted to leave so i tried to tell her that i had to get back to work or i was going to be late from work. Instead of asking nicely for me to stay with her she says "YOU CANT LEAVE ME. YOU HAVE TO HELP ME. YOU HAVE TO." then grabs my wrist and grabs it really hard.

by then you would think i would just yank my arm away and leave ...

but i didnt. I let her squeeze my wrist super hard while she kept yelling at me telling me to find the husband she can't describe for 20 mins.

Finally reaching a starbucks, her husband looks at us and just pointed at the old lady. she let go of my wrist and never said thank you.

what kind of world do we live in?

but hey,
at least i helped someone today even though i didn't do anything,

Memory Ln.

It was a full moon, past 10 o'clock almost 11 on a cold saturday night. All i wanted to do was hurry home to get myself out of the dark where anyone could just appear and try to either a. kidnap you or b. rob you of your things. Usually when i walk home, i look ahead of me about 20 ft so if anything happens, i would be ready to run or hide. Well after walking the same path every saturday, scenery of the road, sidewalks, beat up old cars, trucks, telephone poles and trunk of palms trees we're all to old to me. Usually when i look up at the sky at night, there wouldn't be any stars to gaze upon, and that's exactly what happened that night only that the moon was out and full. When i looked at it, i stopped walking just to look up. There was something different about this full moon than the rest that i have seen in my life. I tried to figure it out.

it couldn't be the size because im used to seeing the moon small like a marble in the sky; then really big as if it was in front of your face. As I tried to figure out what was different i looked back to the same old scenery but noticed a street sign that said 'memory lane'. Wheni looked back up, i figured out was was different.

The moon was shinning brighter than i ever seen it before. So bright, you could see a faint circle of light around it.

For some reason, i felt as if i had more hope in life.

Ever since that night, ive been stopping at memory lane to look at the moon
it still gives me hope for a better tomorrow, with or without the faint circle and bright light.

Maybe its more memorable if i saw it only once.

What i saw that night really calmed me down.

Hello Hello.

Happy New Year.

Today (or should i say yesterday) was the first day of the year 2010 and things have already been going downhill for me. But of course, no one wants to read about all the sappy things in my life as of now- at least not in this post.

But to cut to the chase;

A few days ago I was reading old posts from my old xanga account(s). As i was reading them the more i found myself reading less and less which was kind of disappointing. When I first started blogging, I usually gave every detail that happened that day that while reading it, i could actually replay that memory in my head as if it was happening now. But the more i read the details we less to the point where a day's post is a sentence or word. I do not know why things ended that way but all that matters is now.

This year i made a promise to myself that if i were to blog, it would actually be meaningful, thrurough and has a point/lesson learned or whatever so that maybe in a decade or so when i decide to look back here, i can actually keep myself entertained for a bit (knowing myself).

Earlier today i had a topic that i wanted to blog about, but my memory has been really bad since ive been smoking those cancer sticks. I'm trying to quit and i'm really disappointed in myself when i bought a pack today, some will power i have.

i;d probably feel shitty and feel the more to quit if some random person came up to me one day and told me that i should quit and give me a sad story.. but of course it won't happen in this city. people here are too ... i can't really say stuck up.. theyre more to themselves. as if, they only care about themselves and no one else. Either that or they just don't have the balls to do it. I mean people tell me i shouldn't smoke but how they say it.. its more as if 'oh, dont smoke' and that's it. knowing myself, i wouldn't really take it seriously unless someone threaten our relationship or something like that. But then again, those don't work either.. i tried to make an ex stop smoking and look at me now, im just like him. I can't really say i hate him for it... but i can say i hate him for not listening to me cause now, im just a mess.