tell me, how am i suppose to feel?

these are one of the few nights where i wake up not being able to knock back to sleep. Usually in these situations, i would just stare at me ceiling aimlessly thinking about the most random things ever or just whatever crosses my mind. I tried that, but no thoughts boring enough came across my mind to help me sleep. I also thought about smoking a cigarette to help me sleep also, but it's too damn cold outside to even consider that option right now. So here i am 2 o'clock in the morning listening to Mae & Copeland hoping that they would help me sleep sometime soon; but honestly, i don't think that's going to happen anytime soon & that cigarette is starting to sound good right now since i know that will knock me out in a jiffy if i let it.

I've been meaning to blog for awhile but these days i just haven't brought myself to do it. It's either because :

a. I'm too tired from work to do anything.
b. I forget what i want to Blog about.
c. I'm just flat out too lazy to even type blogger.com on my address bar & click on new post on my dashboard.

good enough reasons wouldn't you think?

I find it funny how I would be at working thinking up topics to blog about along with the constant intention that i would go home and blog it that same day but end up knocking out or get caught up with facebook. I'm sorry, im truely truely sorry about that. I keep promising myself that this year will be the year where i'll Blog about everything worth mentioning and there has been a lot of things worth mentioning.

Like Sunday for example. Sunday was my hangout (i consider it as a date) day with Josh. I'm sure the people i know are thinking 'josh?!who the hell is josh?' or 'another guy ? nothing new' or 'just wtf'. Well to update the people who actually do read my blogs and want to catch up with me, Josh is this guy (well obviously right?) that I'm interested in. I'm sure everyone here is thinking.. 'but you're always interested in someone' . WRONG !! I'm not always interested in someone. I'm SOMEWHAT interested in other people. I like to keep my options open instead of focusing on one and have a huge fall or being hurt in the end. I don't let myself go all to just one person basically (for a second, that makes me sound like a slut but its really not like that at all). arggh, what im actually trying to say is that, i let the guys come to me, I give them a chance to see how they are and i usually go with first impressions. I've been with so many guys that im just used to just going off with first impressions ( i know i shouldnt but i just do, so sue me) so it kinda grew on me.

And honestly, i miss holding hands with someone. Hugging someone getting that warm feeling at your chest. Butterflies. contagious smiling & laughing. Tickle fights. making out. random eye contact. the nervousness of what the other one is thinking. Just everything.

But now the real problem is...

do i like this guy because of who he is? or just because i miss everything as i just mentioned above? Don't get me wrong. I like this guy !  but sometimes i feel as if maybe im just doing things because i miss the feeling of it. I never felt so unsure about going for something. Maybe I should sit this one out .